Cyberangels ^Å^ Support

As a nurse I can not count the number of times that I have sat and held the hand of a dying patient as they crossed from this world to the next. I can not describe how that feels to be present for both the giving of life and the ending. It is what makes me humble, as a nurse and as a human being.

Nothing in my profession could ever have prepared me for the day that the hand I held, was that of the woman that gave me life. My Mom's death was not totally unexpected. (People seem to think that makes it easier, I am not sure about that.) She had been ill with cancer for a few years and the last 6 months I had seen her hospitalized twice for pneumonia. But as much as I thought I was prepared, the day that call came that said she was in the hospital and may not last till morning, I panicked.

I was a lost little girl. The 6 hour trip to be at her side seemed both endless and light speed. I wanted to be there, I had to say goodbye, she had to hang on. Yet did I really want to be there and see my Mother die in front of my eyes? Would it not be better to miss that moment? She held on, my Mom. One very very strong lady. She hung on till all 4 of us were able to get there and be at her side. See we were a team. The five of us. She left my abusive father when I was two and became a rare entity for that time, a single working mother of 4 children. She raised us to be strong and independent and believe that there was nothing we could not do.

But she was wrong. I could not stop the cancer from ravaging her body and taking her from us long before her time. She died on April 22, 1997 at 3:20pm with her 4 children at her side. And my life has never been the same. Because there was something else I could not do. I could not fill that whole in my heart that losing her left. I became a child with no parents and I felt so very very alone.

Time does heal wounds. But there will always be a scar. A song on the radio can bring me to tears. Looking at pictures still hurts deeply. I can close my eyes and see myself at that bedside begging God to give me one more day. Because it was for me that I prayed. She had suffered enough and deserved to be free from her pain. But I was not yet ready to lose her. Are you ever? Is there any greater bond between a parent and child that crosses all boundaries of distance and time?

But she taught me to be strong and that life must go on. It doesn't have to go on without her. All I have to do is look at my daughters smile and see my Mothers face. I hear myself repeating her words although as a teenager I swore I would never utter them. She is not gone. She lives through me and my siblings and our children. All I have to do to find her when I need her is close my eyes and look inside. She lives strong and healthy inside my heart. Always there with advice and love. That is what she taught me that took losing her to learn, love never dies.

Although this section begins on what seems like a sad note, it really is a place of hope and strength. Together we will learn to grieve and to cope and to let go. Life has so much to offer and so much to experience. With help we will find it.

We will be building a special page to write remembrances and share photos of the ones we love, whom we want to remember. This page will be dedicated to a very special woman, Grace Hogan. Please send us your poems, quotes, photos and any special stories of people you want to remember and honor, who have died. We will post them to share your memorials.

Please check back often for updates to this site. And if you have anything you would like to contribute to our site or suggestions for future topics email us at [email protected]